Seasons have come and gone since I last posted anything. I over thought what I should talk about. A day in the life? Nutrition? Health? Politics? NO...….That has all been done and then some. The question "Do I even want to be here doing this??" popped into my mind. Still pondering that, but while I do so might I just say this; My fifth decade and I am all in. I've got no regrets about my direction, I don't care what people think about me or what I am doing. There is no more wasted time. Been there, done that. You want to know what I'm doing? Check in once and awhile. Take a few minutes to wander my pathways when you don't need or want something from me. With the exception of children and grandchildren I am no longer the keeper of connections, person to call when your life has gotten hard and your looking for someone to provide solutions. Funny how everyone came to expect those birthday cards, random fun cards and letters and packages in the mail. A gift here and there. A phone call/text/email checking in. Yet seldom if ever any response to any of it. Until the time came that I stopped doing. Then I heard about it. My how I heard about it. Or the couple times extending a helping hand in good faith when asked only to be at the bad end of the deal. Trust me when I say that will never happen again.
What I have learned from all this is: It is okay to say NO! Not all problems are mine to fix. I have been "too" nice too many times and I am kind but NOT weak so don't mistake the two. OH and one last thing? I'm going to speak my mind now, no holds barred. I'll try to filter my comments but no promises anymore.
I am not sure if it was the conversation with my niece the other night or husband working on taxes. Perhaps both led me down the rabbit hole. While we were talking my niece asked " aren't you doing creative writing or something like that?" I as usual down played and dismissed my writing. Helping my husband sort needed tax documents led me to the file cabinet where I caught a glimpse of files I had shoved to the back. Clippings of articles, papers from online classes and pages from my first writing group. I dragged them out and did a random look through. That led me back here to see where I had started putting my bits and pieces out where they might be seen. Prior to this blog my creative endeavors that were in the public eye consisted of a photography shoot of specific local art for Rural Alliance of the Arts 12th Annual Art...Etc. Auction in 2002, a submission to a writing contest in Glamour Magazine in 2003 and a article in another local newspaper in 2008. None of which I normally bring up in conversation. I've done some freelancing which was a bit boring and not very lucrative since then but mostly I keep the stories on a shelf. I wonder if I should take them down, dust them off?
I suppose I am only showing up here with the full moon so far this year, yet not even in a timely manner. This is the full moon of March 1st. I am not entirely sure how I wish to progress here. I've found my footing with writing. Became aware where I was just scattering my energy and looked at what was/is coming at me with eyes wide open. I seem to be the nexus for those women who only show up when wanting to progress in some way using me as their stepping stone. Or I was until I came up through some hard lessons and processed it all. Maybe it was those middle of the night wake ups, standing at the window hoping the moonbeams touched me that brought clarity. Maybe it was just finally stepping outside the troubling thoughts and feelings and looking at it from both sides as clearly as I was able. You can only be exploited and taken advantage of to the extent that you allow it to happen. I'm choosing to forge different relationships with women where there is respect and an equal balance of giving and receiving.
January 1, First full moon of 2018 was heralded in with snow on the ground and frigid temps.
January 31, Super Blue Blood Moon with a lunar eclipse (happens once every 150 yrs) . Overcast sky kept me from seeing the eclipse but opened up briefly allowing me to catch some of the magic.
I haven't found myself here in few months, now here it is the eve of New Years Eve. Over the course of the past many months Mark & I have been decluttering our space both individually and collectively. The holidays seem to bring more clutter with all the decorating, wrappings and excitement. This week-end we made no plans and the weather cooperated in encouraging us to nestle in. My yoga/art studio had become the central hub of clutter. I felt the need to clean the space and clear out a bit more before walking into the new year. In doing so I came to a special stack. It called for attention. One container was Chad's art. I spent time looking through with enjoyment and came across two empty canvases. I took them over to my art table. I hope I can do them justice. The next container was pictures, news articles, medals and more. I didn't stay long because it can turn into a rabbit hole. The third was full of the cards so many people had sent, list upon list that carried through that time. I felt it was time to let those things go. I wanted a special fire to release it for us, for others. So I went to Mark and asked what his thoughts were and he thought it was the right time. He went out and built a fire , wood from our trees and cedar. I brought out the container and sage from my prayers and meditations as well as lavender, tobacco, and mugwort. We each made our prayers and honoring before slowly placing the cards in the fire. It felt right 14 years, 5 months and 23 days later. We are walking into the new year lighter and freer, open to change and adventure.
I am who I am, uniquely me.